Have you heard of Vanessa Van Edwards?
Before I really started diving into podcasts, I can tell you I’d never heard of her or her work before. But this past weekend, she was a main stage speaker at a major personal & professional development experience held right here in central Ohio. And even though I’d been exposed to her work through one of my favorite podcasts, hearing her live brought her insights home to me in the world of advocacy even more.
In her remarks, Van Edwards pointed to research that showed an important trend in human relationships: the most popular, most liked people also happen to be the people who like the most people. If you were to catalogue their rolodexes, those with the biggest social reach are finding ways identify what they like in as many people as possible.
But her comments had me asking a question: does this hold for politics? I’ve been chewing on the topic since she left the stage.
In the four years after I switched to non-partisan advocacy work, I’ve often jokingly referred to myself as a “recovering partisan hack.” While working for elected officials, it’s hard to avoid the tug toward the extreme. Because our system lends itself to conflict, it’s not hard to constantly be finding, exploiting, and also disdaining the weaknesses and shortcomings of anyone on the other side of the aisle. We form our camps, and anyone outside the camp – the tribe – just can’t be redeemed. Right?
That kind of thinking won’t get you very far outside of the partisan squabbling. Unfortunately, I see a lot of advocates – individuals and organizations – falling into the familiar traps of partisan thinking and finding themselves stuck when it comes to taking their issues to decision makers. They can’t get out of their own way because they struggle to set their own partisanship aside.
But our job of advocates isn’t to win just the people who already agree with us. Our purpose is to bring others into the fold, inviting them into the cause and building credibility for our issue that spans partisan divides. Whether we like it or not, bi-partisanship works. More importantly, when navigating the hyper-partisan environment, it’s absolutely vital if you’re going to secure policy that stands the test of time.
So how do we do it? How do we build in the habits necessary to help us look past party affiliation, avoid the inevitable friction that it brings, and grow our reach? Well, Van Edwards’ work would point us to as clear an answer as any. But are you up to it?
One of the greatest gifts of stepping away from electoral politics is the opportunity to simply not give a damn about someone’s party. It’s given me more chances to find ways to like more people. I’m having just as much fun partnering with one party as the other now. It’s been such a valuable addition to my life, that I’ve often talked to advocates about this – and now we can back it up!
You see, as I prepare advocates to go to Capitol Hill or the state legislators, one topic almost always comes up. It usually sounds something like this: “how do I talk to (insert politician from the other party)? I don’t agree with them on ANYTHING.” Up until now, I’ve found my way stumbling through a heartstrings argument with folks – that we win more people over by treating them well. And I stand by that.
But now I have a new challenge for you. Can you set aside all of your disagreements with “the other side” and find one, single thing to LIKE about them? Can you look at an individual elected official, or their staff, and show them that you like them on any level? If so, you may be setting yourself up for a big win in the credibility column. Because likable people, like people. Credible people find the credibility in others.
See, what works for politicians can’t work for us. For those campaigning for office, there are gains to be made by pointing out our differences. But for those of us trying to build coalitions, it’s what we like about each other that can bring more voices to our causes. Politicians don’t need us to like them to win re-election. They simply need fewer people to like their opponent. But campaign politics is fundamentally different from governance politics. In governance politics, winners have to find ways to bring people together in even the narrowest alliances.
If you want your cause to find its way along those narrow paths, finding ways to like other people could serve you incredibly well. More importantly, I think it will also help you find more energy to stay in the fight. And that’s critical. Because the stronger your staying power, the more opportunities you’ll get to be at the table. Advocates who can find a way to like more people, could find themselves outlasting their opposition as they continue bringing new allies into the fold.
And that could make all the difference.
Vanessa Van Edwards is the founder of ScienceofPeople.com, as well as the bestselling author of some books you may just see on my bookshelf in the future: Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, Cues: Learn the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication.
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