Gratitude in a Time of Loss

I really had no intention to post any material today. After all, today is Thanksgiving in the States, and we are all pausing to spend what time we can with those we can given the circumstances 2020 has handed us.

For many, this year has taken on a larger than life image of all that can go wrong. We’ve struggled to figure out this new normal. Hell, we’ve even struggled to accept it as a new normal.

Many are also experiencing a first holiday season without a loved one. That’s not a new human experience, but this year it’s hitting many in our communities just a little differently.

I count my blessings that, as yet, my family has remained free from the strains others are experiencing with COVID-19. Until yesterday, we’ve all been safe in our household bubbles. (I know that experience is not universal.) But yesterday, some of my experience with this pandemic changed – my dad had to go to the hospital.

My dad has struggled with heart issues for many years. Almost 12 years to the month, in fact, I had to arrange emergency leave from my active duty unit to be home as he recovered from his last heart attack.

I’m incredibly thankful today that, as of now, we’re not terribly concerned by the latest health scare. As we wait for tests to complete, diagnoses to be made, and follow-up COVID tests to be arranged, it’s easy to take for granted just how differently this particular scare could have turned out.

Take that feeling of relief in stark contrast to the two people in my friend circle who lost grandparents in the past 72 hours. Just a few days before that, a former colleague tragically lost his mother. These folks are all facing a day of thanksgiving, of gratitude, in a severe time of loss.

But if we take a moment to pause and think about the history of Thanksgiving, I think we’ll come to realize that this dichotomy is in no way new. When calling for a day of prayer and thanksgiving in 1863, President Lincoln was still leading through the bloodiest war in American history. While reminding his fellow Americans of the nation’s growing prosperity (expanding frontiers, expanding agriculture, expanding industry and mining) he simultaneously reminded them of the thousands upon thousands of widows and orphans now bearing the highest price of civil strife.

By comparison to 1863, it would be easy for some to dismiss our current challenges as insignificant and gripe incessantly about how we are restricting our celebrations. I would challenge you to take a different course.

Our friends, our neighbors are suffering in ways many of us do not know. In a time of incredible loss, they are confronted with a challenge to give thanks. Can’t we take a moment to realize that may be difficult? Can we acknowledge our shared humanity and show each other a little more grace today?

For a moment, set aside your complaints about the inconveniences of 2020. Because for many of us, that’s all it has been – an inconvenience. But for too many others this year has been plainly unbearable. I hope those who are suffering can find their way toward gratitude today.

Gratitude, especially in times of suffering, loss, and mourning helps our healing process. This is a lesson my dad taught me many times as a kid when he dragged me along to every funeral and every recovery room as he tried to simply be there for folks in need. He always found a way to get those we visited to find a moment of laughter and gratitude for the life they’ve had despite the circumstances they faced right then.

It’s not about ignoring the pain, or salving it. Rather, gratitude helps us frame the pain in a broader context. When we allow ourselves to pull back and recognize the blessings we still have, it helps propel us forward through the grieving process.

I think successful leaders understand this on an innate level. Lincoln’s own life, informed by the depression he suffered as a young man, likely prepared him to be the most grateful in the time of our country’s deepest suffering. My hope for you, this Thanksgiving, is that you can take a moment to learn the same lesson.

By focusing on all that has sucked about 2020, we are ignoring the opportunities it’s given us. And while we bemoan our diminished holiday, we should pause to celebrate the good we’ve found along the way. We are truly blessed with each day we have on this earth. I hope more than once per year we can be grateful for it.